Blackpool Tower "sinking"

Blackpool, England, Friday - The most famous landmark in the North of England, the Blackpool Tower, has been sinking at the rate of half an inch (125mm) a year since 1997 it was announced today. A spokesperson for the owners assured members of the public that the tower is perfectly safe and that contingency plans have been made to arrest the slow disappearance of the Tower into the Blackpool sea front.

Structural engineers, called in to attempt to discover the reason for the Tower's recent behaviour have made a startling find. Working with experts from the University of Warwick, they have discovered that downward movement of the Tower can almost certainly be put down to fat kids and their families using the facilities. "The Tower was built at a time when the average weight of the population was about two thirds of its current average." said Mr Eddie Ryan, Chief Engineer. "The weight of thousands of visitors at a time being present in the Tower is just one of the factors taken into consideration in the design". "However the current weight of visitors is adding extra strain to the foundations and to supports for the structure".

One of the strategies being actively considered in order to save the Tower for future generations, is a ban on obese patrons. Another option, is to price tickets to the attraction on a sliding scale dependant on the weight of the individual buying the tickets. "This would mean installing scales adjacent to ticket booths, linked to our central computer, which would do the calculation, and we wouldn't anticipate much disruption once installation was complete and customers had got used to the idea" said a company spokesperson.

A local Councillor, Gordon Purdy, has used the news to call for a ban on the sale of chips within three miles of the sea front. "I'm sure that our visitors would much rather be offered a healthier fayre, such as salads and fresh fruit". "If we are to keep the Tower intact, we must stop feeding our guests so many saturated fats and carbohydrates - and have you seen how much salt they use - that can't be good for them".

The tower is currently 158 m (518 ft 9 in) tall. It was inspired by the Eiffel Tower in Paris. It cost £42,000 to construct, and it first opened to the public on 14 May 1894.

PA

Recipient of first full face transplant named

London, England, Friday - Despite the fact that doctors had promised that the identity of the first person to undergo a full face transplant would remain a closely guarded secret, we understand that the name of the patient, which was initially disclosed accidentally through inclusion in an NHS in-house publication, has since been disseminated through countless blogs and other Internet sites and is therefore now in the public domain. The operation is due to take place either just before, or just after, Christmas.

The patient, a Mr. A. Blair, currently lives in Westminster, London. Although he was planning to move home shortly, the news that he had been chosen for the operation convinced him to put these plans on hold. Mr. Blair has been very specific about the type of donor he would like to provide his new face. Black hair, bushy eyebrows, large nose and large ears would be ideal. Mr. Blair says he even has a particular person in mind. Although donations would usually be made posthumously, Mr. Blair is convinced this would not be necessary in this case. "The person I am thinking of is two faced anyway, so I'm sure he can spare one" said Mr. Blair.

An artists impression of the potential donor.

PA

Madonna now adopts village

London, Wednesday - It has been revealed early this morning that Madonna now plans to use her vast personal wealth to adopt a whole village in Malawi, which was the birthplace of her new "son" David so that he will not miss his extended family and their friends. They will be flown in her private jet, initially to London, and will then follow her around the world to her homes in Los Angeles, the Caribbean and other locations. It has been estimated that over 40 people are included in the cohort. Sorting out passports, visas and travel documents for so many people would normally take between six months and a year. However, the paperwork required has, in this case, already been completed in a matter of hours and villagers will now join David and Madonna on Friday of this week. A government spokesperson was anxious to play down any talk of special privileges. He insisted that the fact that Madonna is rich, famous and well connected did not affect any decisions made regarding fast track approvals and the swift production of documentation. A friend of Madonna said today that the popstar had heard from an elderly African woman that "It takes a whole village to raise a child" and so had straight away arranged to purchase one to help her in the task.

It is understood that Madonna has purchased a small hotel in Bayswater to house her new "family" and engaged an "Ethnic interior designer" to transform the building with a £1.5million facelift so that they feel at home in their new surroundings.
PA

Isle of Wight set to become a prison island

London, England, Monday - In order to relieve severe overcrowding in the British prison system, the Labour Government has today revealed secret plans to evacuate the population of the Isle of Wight and turn the whole island into a high security fortress, eventually housing 90% of British prison inmates. The move is expected to bring over 12,000 extra jobs to the island. Construction work on new prison buildings will commence within months. The scheme will cost over £3billion, but is still cheaper than many of the alternative solutions being put forward. Compensation payments to current residents, who will have to be rehoused on the mainland, will run to over £500million. Capacity will be increased by 30% once building has been completed. In the meantime, the Government are having to use police station cells to house the overflow from the prison system during the current crisis. The island already has one prison and has housed some of the most notorious of British criminals, including the "Yorkshire Ripper", Peter Sutcliffe, who murdered thirteen women in the North of England in the late 70's.

The island will house both high and low security prisoners. Three quarters of the island will effectively be an open prison with prisoners free to come and go and hold down jobs just as long as they stay on the island. "This will be the modern day equivalent to sending convicts to Australia and many convicts may choose to settle here once their tarrif has been spent" Prison Minister Gerry Sutcliffe, said today. "Although this is a very controversial proposal, I'm sure with time, it will be seen as a very imaginitive solution to an almost intractable problem".
PA

Teach yourself surgery and save money

Kansas, USA, Tuesday - To the large number of do it yourself manuals and guides which have been produced on a wide range of subjects, can be added a new publication, Teach Yourself Surgery, created to provide subscribers with the skills and knowledge needed to conduct minor surgical operations on themselves and on their families and friends.

After a few weeks of study, and following instructions in both a written form and on media such as DVD and computer software, readers can carry out procedures which require a Local Anaesthetic such as in-growing toenails, setting broken limbs and the removal of bullets and other foreign objects from the body. Having gained confidence, the student can then progress on to more difficult surgery which requires a General Anaesthetic such as appendix removal or some minor heart, lung and kidney work.

The publication, which comes in monthly parts, is accompanied by all the instruments needed to build a library of tools to enable the purchaser to carry out years of home surgery. Issue one comes with a scalpel for making incisions; issue two with a clamp and cotton wads and so on.

Publisher Max Bretton is convinced he has found a whole new DIY market which will attract a very large number of subscribers in a short space of time. "The home surgery market could be worth billions of dollars". "Given the current cost of some operations in hospitals and clinics and the amount which could be saved by the enterprising amateur surgeon performing surgery in their own neighbourhood, take up could be huge".

His predictions are proving to be well-founded. The kits started to go on sale at 9.00am on Monday 25th September and all branches of Wall-Mart were completely sold out by 11.00am nationwide. Other stores reported similar business. He has since promised that further supplies of the first edition were being flown in from Chicago for distribution and that the manufacturers who were producing the stainless steel instruments were working round the clock to meet the new orders.
PA

Cherie Blair - what she really said - CCTV footage analysed

Manchester, England, Tuesday - Cherie Blair Q.C., wife of the British Prime Minister, was the centre of controversy today over remarks allegedly made yesterday during the speech of Chancellor of the Exchequer and leader in waiting, Gordon Brown. Friends rallied round and insisted that Cherie had said "I like his tie", rather than the reported "That's a lie" during a part of his speech which suggested that the two men were working well together. She is also alleged to have uttered the words "That's not true" in another part of the speech. "I like his shoes" is the version being offered by Ms Blair. However, analysis of CCTV footage from the conference lobby, tells the whole story.

Although the audio track is completely unusable because of the background noise in the busy area, a transcript produced by a consultant, skilled in the techniques of lip-reading, after hours of analysis, confirms Cherie Blair's version of events. In addition to the words attributed to her by her friends, which contradict those of the journalist who broke the story, she has also confirmed to have called Brown "The ultimate banker" and said that he is "Full of wit". The consultant, a Mr. Mandelson, insists that because he is a totally independent and disinterested witness, the transcript he has produced tells the true story and vindicates the Prime Minister's wife completely.
PA

The animals cried the day Steve died - Exclusive

Brisbane, Australia, Tuesday - "The animals cried the day Steve died" said animal trainer Pete Wilson this morning - see yesterday's News in Brief post. "Of course it's hard to tell underwater, but I swear that the stingray which killed Steve cried after it had dealt him the fatal blow". "I'll never forget the pitiful, soulful, look in that poor creature's eyes shortly before we bludgeoned it to death for what it had done to Steve". "Call me a sentimental old fool if you wish, but I'm sure that that stringray, of the family Daysyatidae, loved Steve just as much as we did, and it died with a deep sense of regret and guilt". Reports were being received that the stringray has been brought ashore and will be stuffed, before going on display in a Brisbane museum later in the year. "It's what Steve would had wanted" said a fan, who was inconsolable at Steve's loss.
PA

Steve Irwin dies aged 44

Brisbane, Australia, Monday - Steve Irwin is dead - thousands of animal extras made redundant at a stroke.

The man who was passionate about wildlife and who constantly put his life on the line for his art, has finally met his match and succumbed to an attack from one of the cast. Pete Wilson, the man who trained animal extras for the show for the last twelve years announced that he is "devastated". In addition to the shock of the loss of Steve, Pete said "I am upset that thousands of crocodiles, alligators and deadly snakes will never work again. Some may end up being put down. Only a small percentage would be able to survive being released into the wild after years of being trained not to attack. Some of these guys have been with us since the beginning. All they know is how to act as if they are fierce without really hurting anybody. They are all big softies when you get right down to it. They would not last two minutes in the real world". Some of the animals will end up in zoos across Australia, but homes are sought for most of the others. "They are very good with children" Pete says, "and most would make good family pets. They just need the space to be able to spread out".

Asked if he blamed himself for Steve's death, Pete is cautious. "The stingray which caused Steve Irwin's death was not trained by me, but by one of my assistants whilst I was on holiday in France. I had warned Steve that I could not guarantee that the creature had been trained fully and understood the rules".
PA

Computer breaktrough - Computers which work 60% of the time

San Fransisco, USA, Monday - A San Fransisco computer company has come up with a revolutionary new computer design which enables desktop and laptop machines to work 60% of the time as opposed to current designs which tend to offer around 40% efficiency. Software which will not load or perform; hardware which continually crashes; modems which will not communicate and programmes which will not speak to each other, are features which we have all come to expect from modern technology. It seems that downtime is the default expectation when it comes to IT.

Now the technology company, Indofax Computer Hardware, has managed to break through the 50% barrier and produce computers which work more than half of the time. Managing Director, Peter Mullone, is delighted with the increase in performance. "My twelve year old son changed the design. I don't know what he did, but it seems to be working". "Complaints are down from between 3,000 and 4,000 a week to just 2,700 on average".

Encouraged by their recent success, the company are now working on designs for a printer which will work more than 10% of the time and which uses printer ink cartridges which will cost less than twice the price of the actual printer.
PA

BBC: Is John Prescott a planet?

Sunday - London. Following the recent discovery of a body in the Solar System bigger than Pluto, a conference has been organised to search for a definition of a planet which can be accepted once and for all and against which all structures can be measured. Scientists have come up with a definition which has now been ratified by all participants.

New rules governing the characteristics of planets indicate that "Any body which has sufficient gravitational pull to form the shape of a sphere, can be classified as a planet".

Following receipt of the above definition, a Parliamentary Committee has been formed to determine whether or not the Deputy Prime Minister can be classified as a planet given that he seems to meet all the essential criteria. The remit of the cross-party committee is either to classify the DPM as a planet using the definition above, or to accept the recommendation of the Prime Minister, Tony Blair, who has always claimed that Mr. Prescott is "A complete and utter Star".

The Chair of the committee, Alistair Burt M.P., announced that, although he did not want to anticipate or forecast the findings of the committee, "Most of the ingredients seem to be in place". "He is definitely spherical in shape". In addition, he is full of gas, overheats from time to time and is inhospitable in the extreme, in common with many planets". Following a period of consultation, a Green Paper is due in the Autumn.
PA

The beneficial effects of Rhubarb in the diet

Leeds, Yorkshire, England, Wednesday. The findings of a three year study into the beneficial effects of rhubarb in the diet were published today by the Metropolitan University of Leeds. The study found that some athletes who included rhubarb in their diet, even in quite small quantities, had shown up to a staggering 22% increase in their performance on the track and in the field.

The study was commissioned when it was noticed that even mediocre sports men and women were turning in greatly increased performances after following a diet plan which included a daily intake of rhubarb.

Rhubarb ( from the Latin eubarbarum, rhabarbarum) is made from the fleshy leaf-stalks of a Chinese and Tibetan plant of the genus Rheum. It is produced in very large quantities in the area around Leeds in Northern England, known as the Rhubarb Triangle, and shipped to supermarkets and grocery stores around the country. It is also exported to the country's European neighbours.

Local people claim to have been aware of its properties for decades. One Leeds resident told us "This study is only telling us what we Northerners have known for years". "Some of our best athletes, footballers, and cricketers are from the North and have been brought up on rhubarb". Some Northern sports clubs have even gone so far as to try to devise a test to detect rhubarb in the bloodstream in a bid to make competition fairer, particularly at times when rhubarb is out of season and only available to those sportspeople who can afford to have it imported. At these times, it is bought and sold on the black market and changes hands for huge amounts of cash.

Its beneficial effects have been shown to be somewhat dissipated when partnered, as it often is, with custard, but enhanced by the inclusion of sugar, which is just as well as it makes the tart fruit more palatable and increases energy as a by-product.

Local producers are expecting acute shortages of rhubarb in the shops and supermarkets later this Summer and into Autumn following publication of the findings coupled with the fact that the long hot Summer has resulted in a poor crop this year.
PA

Royal eavesdropping - the transcripts - exclusive

London, England - Following the arrest yesterday (Tuesday 9th August) of the two people accused of the interception of voicemail messages to the Royal household, Skeldor is now, for the first time able to publish a partial transcript of the recorded communications:

• 23rd July - 16.32hrs Message left for the equerry of Prince Phillip, the Duke of Edinburgh - "This is Elizabeth. Please tell Phillip that I have left his dinner in the microwave oven. I shall be dining at the Queens Head this evening. Remind him that we are opening a new hospital or hospice or borstal or something tomorrow in Yorkshire and I shall expect him to be on his best behaviour. (Please hide the bottles). Leave the front door on the latch. I don't know what time I will be back, but it will be very, very, late. Tell Phillip not to wait up. Oh, and leave a note for the milkman - we will need two extra pints in the morning, Camilla will be joining us for breakfast..." (The next section of the tape has been censored for legal reasons).
• 24th July - 10.17hrs Message left for footman. "That grinning buffoon who lives not un-adjacent to Whitehall will be visiting this afternoon for his weekly audience. Get out the cheap cups and saucers and let the dogs out. Keep him waiting in the drawing room for about 20 minutes before you let him in to see me. I'll teach him to try and upstage me with his 'special relationships'. And Gerald, plain biscuits."
• 25th July - 22.37hrs Message from the owner of Harrods (This message censored for legal reasons and in the interests of good taste).
• 26th July - 02.15hrs Message from the owner of Harrods (This message censored for legal reasons and in the interests of good taste).
• 27th July - 21.06hrs Message for Prince Harry from unknown source. " The merchandise will be in the usual place at the usual time. Be careful, we have changed our suppliers and you may find this batch unusually strong".

PA

Proof! - Omega 3 does work miracles

To the claims made for Omega 3, can be added the story of Bryan Henderson of Telford, Shropshire, England, who asserts that discovery of the dietary supplements has changed his life. "Before I started taking the tablets, I was always depressed and I visited my doctor so often, I had my own coffee cup with my name on it in his consulting room. Since I became aware of the properties of Omega 3 and started taking a daily dose my life has been transformed. I shed over 20 pounds in weight in the first three weeks; my wife moved back in to the family home and my kids are no longer ashamed to walk on the same side of the street as me. My halitosis has all but disappeared and the strange rash I have been treated for for over 20 years seems to be clearing up nicely. Strangest of all, my left leg, which I lost back in '83 in a boating accident, has grown back and I played soccer recently for the first time in twenty years".

Over the pond in America, Wendle Speers, of Kentucky is equally impressed by the efficaciousness of the wonder supplement. "My mother has been eating raw fish for over 50 years and thanks to the health giving properties of the Omega 3 contained in the oily fish, she is now over 120 years old. Although my sister and I have not been able to travel to Texas to see her for the last 30 years, she writes to me every week from the $4000 a month retirement home where she has lived since 1976. Her writing, if anything, looks like the writing of a 40 year old (further proof of her sound condition) and the owner of the home insists she is in the very best of health when we ring him at the end of every financial year. The only drawback is that because she is so active, she always tends to be out when we call and so the staff say she cannot come to the phone".

Next week: How Omega 3 helped Italy win the Soccer World Cup in Germany earlier this year.
PA

Americans agree to learn how to spell correctly

In an unprecedented Transatlantic agreement, the so called "Special Relationship" between Great Britain and the United States of America, is to be further cemented by an agreement that has taken over ten years to negotiate. Academics, book publishers and newspaper proprietors amongst others have been working with politicians and educationalists to negotiate an agreement that, in essence, will lead to America adopting the British model of spelling. No longer will the phrase "Two nations divided by a single language" be an apt way to describe the relationship between the two countries. Changes will be phased in over the coming years, with a complete move to the correct form of spelling by 2018. America, home of the "Spelling Bee", is about to adopt the rules of the mother country in terms of the origin of the language in a bid to offer consistency and continuity.

The missing "u" will be returned to words like Neighourhood and colour. From now on, celebrities will be the Centre of attention and not as previously in the Center. Programmes will replace the old American spelling programs and many other words will be transformed forever.. Economists have calculated that the extra letters needed for the new spelling format will add 6% to the cost of newspapers and books and that nationally the project will cost the Country over $800 million when the cost of changing stationery and up-dating text books and forms is taken into consideration. The new spelling will initially be introduded on a voluntary basis, but after the first five years, fines will be levied on anyone producing publications or public signage using the out-dated spelling regime.

Some resistance is expected at first, but officials are confident that once the first cohort of children who will be taught using the new spelling systems have reached High School, people will begin to accept that a change was sensible and be fully supportive of the project.
PA

Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott loses Jags

Labour's second in command, John Prescott has announced that his trade mark Jaguar cars are to be to be mothballed. Going too are the are the second, third and fourth homes in London, Hull and the continent. "To be frank, I could do with the exercise" says Prescott, who famously has used the cars repeatedly for journeys of less than 200 yards. In a 22,000 word statement, issued earlier today, the Deputy Prime Minister claims that he made the decision after becoming aware of, and studying, a political philosophy which is called "Socialism". Speculation is rife that Mr. Prescott has been a closet "Socialist" for some time now and that this is just the first manifestation of his desire to become a member of the previously forgotton political movement. Already, there have been calls from Cabinet colleagues for his resignation should he continue to persue his interest in Socialism. "There is no place in the modern Labour Party for out-moded and irrelevant left wing thinking" said one.

Bush and Blair - "We were wrong" - Exclusive!

American President George Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair today issued a joint communique which amounted to an admission that the decision to invade Iraq was "foolhardy in the extreme" and "carried out without any real consideration of the consequences." "I cannot imagine what we were thinking of" Prime Minister Blair admits. "I was sure that once the dictator had been removed, all that was left to do was to receive the abject thanks of the Iraqi people, jointly issue contracts for the re-building of the infrastructure, and secure economic and political stability in the region".

American President George Bush was equally candid: "We messed up; I was badly advised." "The fact that I am still in office is something of a miracle for which I daily pray and give thanks to the Lord". "I feel like the luckiest man alive".

Both men have agreed that, given their appalling lack of judgement, the only honorable way to proceed is to offer to resign. Consequently, later this week on Wednesday 9th August at 19.00hrs GMT both men will tender their resignations: Prime Minister Tony Blair to Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the second; President George Bush to Congress. Interim arrangements for the governance of both countries will be announced in a joint broadcast arranged for Tuesday 8th August, again at 1900hrs GMT.