Blackpool Tower "sinking"

Blackpool, England, Friday - The most famous landmark in the North of England, the Blackpool Tower, has been sinking at the rate of half an inch (125mm) a year since 1997 it was announced today. A spokesperson for the owners assured members of the public that the tower is perfectly safe and that contingency plans have been made to arrest the slow disappearance of the Tower into the Blackpool sea front.

Structural engineers, called in to attempt to discover the reason for the Tower's recent behaviour have made a startling find. Working with experts from the University of Warwick, they have discovered that downward movement of the Tower can almost certainly be put down to fat kids and their families using the facilities. "The Tower was built at a time when the average weight of the population was about two thirds of its current average." said Mr Eddie Ryan, Chief Engineer. "The weight of thousands of visitors at a time being present in the Tower is just one of the factors taken into consideration in the design". "However the current weight of visitors is adding extra strain to the foundations and to supports for the structure".

One of the strategies being actively considered in order to save the Tower for future generations, is a ban on obese patrons. Another option, is to price tickets to the attraction on a sliding scale dependant on the weight of the individual buying the tickets. "This would mean installing scales adjacent to ticket booths, linked to our central computer, which would do the calculation, and we wouldn't anticipate much disruption once installation was complete and customers had got used to the idea" said a company spokesperson.

A local Councillor, Gordon Purdy, has used the news to call for a ban on the sale of chips within three miles of the sea front. "I'm sure that our visitors would much rather be offered a healthier fayre, such as salads and fresh fruit". "If we are to keep the Tower intact, we must stop feeding our guests so many saturated fats and carbohydrates - and have you seen how much salt they use - that can't be good for them".

The tower is currently 158 m (518 ft 9 in) tall. It was inspired by the Eiffel Tower in Paris. It cost £42,000 to construct, and it first opened to the public on 14 May 1894.

PA

Recipient of first full face transplant named

London, England, Friday - Despite the fact that doctors had promised that the identity of the first person to undergo a full face transplant would remain a closely guarded secret, we understand that the name of the patient, which was initially disclosed accidentally through inclusion in an NHS in-house publication, has since been disseminated through countless blogs and other Internet sites and is therefore now in the public domain. The operation is due to take place either just before, or just after, Christmas.

The patient, a Mr. A. Blair, currently lives in Westminster, London. Although he was planning to move home shortly, the news that he had been chosen for the operation convinced him to put these plans on hold. Mr. Blair has been very specific about the type of donor he would like to provide his new face. Black hair, bushy eyebrows, large nose and large ears would be ideal. Mr. Blair says he even has a particular person in mind. Although donations would usually be made posthumously, Mr. Blair is convinced this would not be necessary in this case. "The person I am thinking of is two faced anyway, so I'm sure he can spare one" said Mr. Blair.

An artists impression of the potential donor.

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Madonna now adopts village

London, Wednesday - It has been revealed early this morning that Madonna now plans to use her vast personal wealth to adopt a whole village in Malawi, which was the birthplace of her new "son" David so that he will not miss his extended family and their friends. They will be flown in her private jet, initially to London, and will then follow her around the world to her homes in Los Angeles, the Caribbean and other locations. It has been estimated that over 40 people are included in the cohort. Sorting out passports, visas and travel documents for so many people would normally take between six months and a year. However, the paperwork required has, in this case, already been completed in a matter of hours and villagers will now join David and Madonna on Friday of this week. A government spokesperson was anxious to play down any talk of special privileges. He insisted that the fact that Madonna is rich, famous and well connected did not affect any decisions made regarding fast track approvals and the swift production of documentation. A friend of Madonna said today that the popstar had heard from an elderly African woman that "It takes a whole village to raise a child" and so had straight away arranged to purchase one to help her in the task.

It is understood that Madonna has purchased a small hotel in Bayswater to house her new "family" and engaged an "Ethnic interior designer" to transform the building with a £1.5million facelift so that they feel at home in their new surroundings.
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Isle of Wight set to become a prison island

London, England, Monday - In order to relieve severe overcrowding in the British prison system, the Labour Government has today revealed secret plans to evacuate the population of the Isle of Wight and turn the whole island into a high security fortress, eventually housing 90% of British prison inmates. The move is expected to bring over 12,000 extra jobs to the island. Construction work on new prison buildings will commence within months. The scheme will cost over £3billion, but is still cheaper than many of the alternative solutions being put forward. Compensation payments to current residents, who will have to be rehoused on the mainland, will run to over £500million. Capacity will be increased by 30% once building has been completed. In the meantime, the Government are having to use police station cells to house the overflow from the prison system during the current crisis. The island already has one prison and has housed some of the most notorious of British criminals, including the "Yorkshire Ripper", Peter Sutcliffe, who murdered thirteen women in the North of England in the late 70's.

The island will house both high and low security prisoners. Three quarters of the island will effectively be an open prison with prisoners free to come and go and hold down jobs just as long as they stay on the island. "This will be the modern day equivalent to sending convicts to Australia and many convicts may choose to settle here once their tarrif has been spent" Prison Minister Gerry Sutcliffe, said today. "Although this is a very controversial proposal, I'm sure with time, it will be seen as a very imaginitive solution to an almost intractable problem".
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