Royal eavesdropping - the transcripts - exclusive

London, England - Following the arrest yesterday (Tuesday 9th August) of the two people accused of the interception of voicemail messages to the Royal household, Skeldor is now, for the first time able to publish a partial transcript of the recorded communications:

• 23rd July - 16.32hrs Message left for the equerry of Prince Phillip, the Duke of Edinburgh - "This is Elizabeth. Please tell Phillip that I have left his dinner in the microwave oven. I shall be dining at the Queens Head this evening. Remind him that we are opening a new hospital or hospice or borstal or something tomorrow in Yorkshire and I shall expect him to be on his best behaviour. (Please hide the bottles). Leave the front door on the latch. I don't know what time I will be back, but it will be very, very, late. Tell Phillip not to wait up. Oh, and leave a note for the milkman - we will need two extra pints in the morning, Camilla will be joining us for breakfast..." (The next section of the tape has been censored for legal reasons).
• 24th July - 10.17hrs Message left for footman. "That grinning buffoon who lives not un-adjacent to Whitehall will be visiting this afternoon for his weekly audience. Get out the cheap cups and saucers and let the dogs out. Keep him waiting in the drawing room for about 20 minutes before you let him in to see me. I'll teach him to try and upstage me with his 'special relationships'. And Gerald, plain biscuits."
• 25th July - 22.37hrs Message from the owner of Harrods (This message censored for legal reasons and in the interests of good taste).
• 26th July - 02.15hrs Message from the owner of Harrods (This message censored for legal reasons and in the interests of good taste).
• 27th July - 21.06hrs Message for Prince Harry from unknown source. " The merchandise will be in the usual place at the usual time. Be careful, we have changed our suppliers and you may find this batch unusually strong".

PA